Its been forever

Oh geez I forgot how to post ...this place has changed so much ...help me I am lost

so so tired

I feel like I am losing it at times. I dont know if its the change of life or I need a break from it. I know I cant get out of this funk to work out the way I need to. I need to get on board with this because that is the only thing I really want right now it to get cut up. Not for anyone ...just for me. Its not like all my problems will go away ..its that for once I want to do this for me. One thing for me.

Beka the new online trainer

Okay I am at it again striving to find my body with all those rock hard muscles screaming to get out. I have a new trainer and so far its been okay. I haven't been doing exactly what is expected of me hence the result are less than they should be. Beka wanted my goals and I have so many that it gets confusing. I guess the really big one that stands out in my mind is that I want to stop being anal about weight/ food/ and worrying what other think about me because of it. I just want to be free from that stress. Everytime I put something in my mouth that I shouldn't I get really anal about it. Instead of enjoying the moment of the taste of food..I am worrying where its gonna sit on stomach, thighs,ass. For a while there I thought I has some type of disorder with weight gain. I have come to realize that I am like every woman in America wanting to be a size 3. I have never given up that I could be that again. Is it realistic? I am not sure. I just know I need to strive for it. Not so much being a size 3 but being a muscular , cut up chick that would make most women envy. Because really isnt that who we want to impress the most..not the guys but to show other woman we could do what they couldn't . Its sick I know but I feel its kind of the truth. I just know I need to take this to a level I never have or I am gonna drive myself crazy. I hope Beka can help me do what Tony couldn't. I hope I can do now what I couldn't before. God please let me do this. If I can do this ... then I think I could pretty do anything.

School is finally out for me

Daaaaammm has it been since January that I blogged. It has. Wow ..what a lousey blogger I am. Anyhow updates, Hubby and I are managing along. Its not the best but it isn't the worst. I have come to the conclusion that no one stays in love the way they were back in the beginning. I guess that is why people bring other people in the relationship. To get what they are not getting at home. I guess that is why I have my friends and Jerry. Yep if cheating was talking to each other on the phone a couple of times a week well then we would be. Jerry was the high school jock I had in my health class that I used to sit in front of and turn and drool over. He never really paid any attention to me so I thought. Then one day he asked me to GradNite at Disneyland. He was a senior..I was a junior. We had one bad kiss and then I never saw or heard from him again. Anyhow fast foward 30 years. I was hanging out at classmates and sent him a note. Damn its been over a year and we are still talking. Talking about what? Crappy marriages, crappy kids, crappy medical situations, crappy jobs or the crappy days we have at them. I am proud to say he is a Captain in the Fire Department. Its fun talking to him and we both realize we made better friends than if we had seriously dated in high school. I will see him again one day and he has been a good listener and a shoulder to cry on for me. I think I have too. So I guess you get from others when you are not getting it from the one you want. Anyhow what else? Still dealing with my job. Stressful. I want to walk away but its the money that is my ball and chain. I guess that is why I stress at school for to get a better job at my pay or better. We are buying a new house. I love it. Its big and roomy and it inspires me to quilt again. Closing should be July 3rd. I cant wait. The kids are good and summer is approching fast. They are going to the YMCA all day. Its expensive but I dont care. They will be outta my hair. After working all night when everyone is asleep ..it is hard to be awake in the days hours dealing with kids. So I will not be a bad blogger now that I have a little more time. I am back to working out and I may post a lot about that. Instead of the freshman 15 lb ..I got the sophmore 30lbs. So the goal is to get physically stronger and fitter than ever before. Goals ..I have lots.

Be careful what you ask for

Well it sbeen a while but my situation at home didnt change much. So tonight he is at work and calls. I am cordial. I hang up after a nothing conversation. He calls back and ask what is wrong. I tell him and then he spews his bullshit. He is not givig me the statements from his secret credit card and said since I am a badass with cash now go ahead a get a divorce. That seems like all I needed was that push. Well this badass is going to find a good attorney. I am not going back to the same old rotine of saying Sorry and crap and act like nothing was said or felt. He is like poison to me slowly killing me. Before there is nothing left of me I must leave. I am looking for an place to live with my children. I am saying it now and saying it for good. "I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN".

BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

Okay here I am again. I am going to do this right. No leaving this blog in my favorites for all to see. Funny how I will share with the blog world but not my family. I guess they don't get me at times and you guys don't really seem to judge me. Anyhow what is happening on my side of the ocean. Still dealing with some of the same issues regarding my non marriage. Yep still trying to muddle through this mess of life. I have been very patient but really my patience is starting to come to an end. I just don't like being around him that much. That is the truth. Sad but true. I have just cut myself off from thinking about it anymore and starting to do things about it. I am still holding on to a high GPA in school but will be taking 15 units this coming semester plus work , plus kids, plus real life. Wish me luck on that because I am gonna need it. Work is work. I twisted my ankle there last week and I went to the E.R and they took pictures. They said it looks broke. I am going to the ortho doc on Friday to let me know what is happening for sure. I have no cast on but its like one of those soft cast but it hurts like hell. I finally got off my ass and am looking for other positions in the City and County of Honolulu. I need to get out of the police department already. I hate it. I hate the gossip and the bullshit. I hate that my husband is there because then I have to hear all that is said and done there. I hate it ...hate it ...hate it. Okay now that is done with. Uts 2008 and I am ready for some real happy life to be going on. Its about time ..You think?

Ode to J.B (James Garcia)

I got a call from one of my best friends yesterday that an old jr. high school friend of our passed away. His name was J.B Garcia. He was a clown. He is the guy you would want at your party because he was the life of it. I remember back in 8th grade he had a big time crush on me and asked me to be his girlfriend at one of our jr. high school dances. I said yes. You see J.B was very heavy but because of him being heavy he was looked upon as not being the chick magnet that others were. I remember thinking to myself at the time ..well he seems nice. He was loud and sometime obnoxious but I was his chick for maybe 3 hours and those 3 hours all that mattered. He smiled and was shy then. We never kissed or anything like that. I guess he figured he would not get anywhere with me and broke up with me a couple of days later which I was more than happy to oblige. We still were friends. I remember my friend Johanna had a quincinera ( a 15 year coming out party) and J.B's grandma was in the hospital. Because she couldnt go and see all the pomp and circumstance ..Johanna had to go to J.B's grandmas room in her white gown as big as a wedding dress so she could see her dress. It was a hoot. That was so J.B. His memorial is tomorrow. I am only sorry I couldnt be there. I would tell these storys. He went into a diabetic shock and then a coma lying down by his wife. He was going to be 46 in a few days. J.B you were the best and I will never forget you. You made a part of my growing up such a great place to be. I will miss you always pulling up your jeans because you didnt wear a belt. I will miss you yelling at the top of your lungs during lunch. You were the original Bulushi before he came to be.Yep it just make one wonder about their own mortality.