Beka the new online trainer

Okay I am at it again striving to find my body with all those rock hard muscles screaming to get out. I have a new trainer and so far its been okay. I haven't been doing exactly what is expected of me hence the result are less than they should be. Beka wanted my goals and I have so many that it gets confusing. I guess the really big one that stands out in my mind is that I want to stop being anal about weight/ food/ and worrying what other think about me because of it. I just want to be free from that stress. Everytime I put something in my mouth that I shouldn't I get really anal about it. Instead of enjoying the moment of the taste of food..I am worrying where its gonna sit on stomach, thighs,ass. For a while there I thought I has some type of disorder with weight gain. I have come to realize that I am like every woman in America wanting to be a size 3. I have never given up that I could be that again. Is it realistic? I am not sure. I just know I need to strive for it. Not so much being a size 3 but being a muscular , cut up chick that would make most women envy. Because really isnt that who we want to impress the most..not the guys but to show other woman we could do what they couldn't . Its sick I know but I feel its kind of the truth. I just know I need to take this to a level I never have or I am gonna drive myself crazy. I hope Beka can help me do what Tony couldn't. I hope I can do now what I couldn't before. God please let me do this. If I can do this ... then I think I could pretty do anything.