Guiltless

Okay I chucked part of G's stuff. No one called me back today from the military and like my husband W said "They don't give a shit". I agree. I need to make room in my trashcan for the rest. Did I feel bad. Nope I sure didnt. But I have been having some major knots in my trapieze muscles in my shoulder and a major headache these last few days. W massaged them out tonight and it felt wonderful. I now know its a tension headache probably caused my G. So W and I talked last night about all this I was feeling. Guilt because I felt there was something I missed teaching this kid. I have done everything to steer him right. I have done without so he could have. Today I feel no guilt. This grown man has taken away from all the others in time and money and heartache. I have lied to W over the years by giving G money and buying him stuff. Was it worth it?. Nope. I put everything I believed in in jeopardy because of him. I told myself if W treated me like that would I have put up with it. No freekin way. So then why was I putting up with my son's G crap. Why? Guilt? I felt guilty because he was five when his father and I divorced. I felt guilty because he was such a problem child. He was diagnosed with ADD and I felt bad for him. More guilt. When his teachers and pricipals gave up on him and he had to go to a new school for the 9th time. I felt the Guilt. He was never as smart as my daughter ..his sister C. Things academically came easier for her. I felt Guilt. So I hired tutors. We are talking several thousand dollars worth. He got $1200.00 a month when he went to college in California and he still managed not to pay his rent and bills. So I paid them. Why? Guilt. How many prep classes did I pay for for him to get into college? Over the years I have bailed his ass out of fights with other children, parents angry at him for shit he did. It took my daughter and my friend S to remind me how long he has been stealing. At first it was a quarter, then $20, then an PS3. How many times did he come home and tell me " A friend" gave it to him". Now I have to wonder when I missed money from my wallet if it was him. I know the answer. Well today I am guiltless. I have been a great mother. I have been there with no sleep for his baseball,soccer,football games. I have saved his ass by even doing his papers for high school so he would graduate and go to college. I have pleaded and begged football recruiters to look at him and begged his football coaches to give him I dont know how many chances. I have sided with him in arguments with W. Even when I felt W was right. Why? Guilt. Nope I would of loved to have a mother like me and I had a pretty damn great one. I am done. Guiltless and its so freeing to throw his shit away. I love my son but now if its important to him he will have to work very hard to work back into my life. I throw no one away but at this time he is pretty close. Am I an ass. Probably but I dont care because I have moved mountains for him because he was my child and I loved him. I was taught that was mothers do. But I have no more guilt. Its gone. Those knots in my neck are finally going away and so is the pain in my ass. VERY FREEING INDEED!!!