oct 25th ..I THINK?

Anyhow today is Tuesday ...that I know for sure. Its like 12:49 am and I just had a conversation I needed to have with my husband ..about me leaving for 1 week in November, the kids and the adult kids bullshit, his family and all the things that needed to be said and here I am walking away again with no better answers than I started with. I just wish for once he would listen to my heart and realize I need to be happy. I think I am getting really depressed lately. I think we have been bombarded with so much crap that it has overloaded me. He gets none of this. I am at a fork in my life. I can walk one way and do what I need to do or walk the other way and be depressed. Man since I have been married to him life just has sucked. There has been moments of happiness but mostly his family including kids have just about sucked the life and what ever happiness out of me. He just doesnt get how hurt I am by what his mother and sister have done to me. Its like a slap in my face everytime he talks to them or goes over there. I can see how Xmas and thanksgiving will be. Oh he will spend it with me but later on the day ..I can hear it now .. "I'm taking the kids and going to my moms". I will be left alone to clean up the crap. I have done so much for these people and they just shit all over me. They talk shit about me but mostly I hate when the little ones go there and they start acting like them. I wish he was around to see my mother when she was alive. Then he would know what real motherly love was. Not what you could do for them but true appreciation for each other as a family. I guess thats why I try so hard for our blended family to have what I had. Its hard. I have cried so much lately. I need a break from it all. I havent quilted and done anything I enjoy. It seems lately there is so much of me being put down that I dont enjoy being here. It just seems there is so much to deal with and I am just too tired to deal with it. Giovanni leaves tomorrow for Missouri for boot camp. Everytime I see the commercial for that new movie coming out "JARHEAD" I start to cry. Giovanni is leaving in a shitty way because of some of the things he did to people. I raised him different but he chose to be irresponsible. I guess you do the best you can and hope is all comes out okay. I hope I can hold it all together. Walt just told me he is taking me to Dave and Busters for my birthday and made reservations for 12. I know none are my friends. It seems to all be his. If this is what 45 is going to be like I just assume stay home. What happened to my friends? I need a break soon or I feel I am going to snap.