October 6th/ The Blue Funk

Anyhow its been another one of those days again. It seems I got another month of being out on workmens comp for my other knee until they scan it for and MRI. My orthopedist was upfront with me as far as staying out any longer without having surgery. I was hopeing to stay home over the holidays. I am pretty sure I still will be able to because there is definitely something wrong with the knee. I have to get my ass quilting or talking a class in stained glass cutting. I feel like I am climbing walls here. As far as the kids are concerned ..they are small and they only want their needs satisfied. As far as Walt .. I just dont get him anymore at all. They say people grow apart and I see it more and more everyday. Most times I am irritated by him more than anything. I dont find his humor funny. He seems to think swearing is the national pasttime. All he does is bitch about everything. I find myself being lonely alot even with him in the room. I miss who I was before I met him. Its not that I am blaming him but he is so consumed in his family stuff. His mother , his sister, his kids, his ex's. I think he thrives on it. Some people do. Anything I want to do he has no desire to do. Anywhere I like to go..if it holds no interest ..well he just wont go. I am finding I have more needs than he can provide for me lately. Its not that I dont love him but I am sure that is how people get when they start to find other things in their lives. I no longer am sad by the business of missing how we used to be. I am more sad about missing how I used to be. I wonder if by being here sometimes ..if I missed out on life somehow. I have enjoyed my children and their growing up and would have never changed that for anything in the world. I love Hawaii and would never consider living anywhere else but here . I just think time has passed in our relationship and you are either on it or you are not. There is nothing I can say or do to change that. I noticed because of it I have been eating more. What is that book by Dr. Phil .. Whats eating you? Yeah I started reading it and realized there was so much I was getting consumed with regarding this relationship. It has always been a struggle with Walt because his family has interfered so much. I suppose we never got a chance to know how to be married. Now when we are free of them ...well at least me anyhow .. it just seems that it doesnt really matter. I am going to go for a walk so I get out of this depressed blue state. Oh yeah...please people ..no penile dysfunction sites or comments or stuff about domains on China ... I just dont care...Save your effort for someone who does. THANKS