A big PAIN IN THE &*%#!!!!!!!!

The clock is ticking for MONDAY!!!! School starts back for the kids. Can you see me jumping for joy. I mean I love my kids but lets get real here..they officially wiped me out this summer. They are getting to be really bratty even "A" and she is never that way. Every store I go into they want something .. I say no.. they still ask. I get tired of it. I can run in for one thing and they are asking for coins for those crappy machines that you have to put at least .50 cents into to get those crappy toys that always go in the rubbish. I have had a major kink in my neck and I got up and went to the doctors today. He said it looks like I am getting a virus. Great just what I need. He gave me muscle relaxers, pain meds, and anti inflammatory meds and told me to go to Physical therapy for some heat and massages. If its not better by Monday to call him. I cant turn my head. It feels like a pinched nerve but then that is why he gets paid the big bucks for...to diagnose me. He said to rest. Me and "W" talked. I let him have it and told him he better get his crap together or I am serving him walking papers. We shall see. It was getting pretty strained living the way we were. All I know is I am taking some of this medication and going on my bed with all my huge pillows and reading until I fall asleep. He can figure out what he and the kids will be doing for dinner. I am officially off this weekend. He wants to go and buy some furniture. I dont think that is going to happen with kids. At least I wont be doing it. I have officially had my last day of summer vacation head ache and its turned into a big pain in the neck. Stay cool and have a great weekend.

Silence is Golden

I slept with the kids last night. I like it that way for now. He needs to take his ass back out on the couch and out of my bed. I like it that way for now. Anyhow I was sleeping and he came to wake me up in the morning and ask me if I wanted to walk. What a crack up. He just doesnt have a clue. I am so not going to say shit because I am not getting myself all stired up in a emotional boil. Nope not going there. I put on my shoes and we walked. We walked for 2 miles without me saying a word. I only answered in a Yes or No. I like it that way for now. Its not a game. In fact its so far from a game. I am tired of his bullshit...short and simple. If I am asked that is what I will say. I so like not talking. It quiets my mind. Sometimes with him in the house ...it reminds me of work. You just know the bullshit is deep ..you just dont know how deep. I did take the kids today to see Monster House. I liked it and then I took them to thier swimming lessons. Cook Dinner? No more. I took the kids to Micky D's and I will eat my salad and chicken breast. I like it this way for now. He is a grown man ..let him figure it out.

One Day

There are truly days that I hope I can sit on my porch and not care what I look like and smoke a big fat cigar JUST BECAUSE.

July 27th and counting til August 16

I am on a 21 day program. Its a program that I monitor for 21 days starting today to see my progress in shedding the fat from my body. Its a goal for me. If I start doing in 12 week increments I wont get it done. I wont step on a scale until then. Its hard but I wont. Anyhow I ate really clean yesterday. In fact I am able to put on my size 16 cargo shorts on today. People do you know how long its been since I actually got into a size 16. Its a big deal for me. I guess with all the walking I have been doing these past few days it has brought some comments from people who I just dont ever think who notice. My kids. My soon to be 13 year son 'N' said " Man mom you have well defined calves". Yes I do. Just a month ago I would of told you they were fat but now I am seeing my muscularity start coming back in my legs. Its a good feeling. The benifits so far is that I sleep better at night and I get all that negetive energy out. I think my meds need to be changed. I bit off the ladys head at Jack in the Box yesterday. WTF ... all I want is an order that is correct without having to go park in the front and wait 15 minutes. I made an ass out of myself but in the moment I could of cared less. My kids said everyone was staring. I am trying to get down to were my body is back to where the picture I have on myspace used to be. I was 130 then and cut solid. That was before the last 3 kids. I just think all my health issues will disappear if I am down to there again. In fact I know it. It not easy but its doable. Yes my back hurts and my legs are tired but then I dont know too many people who lift weights and work out constantly aren't. In fact when I used to lift heavy my arms were always sore. I guess that is the price you pay. There is always a price to pay ..isnt there? My best friend who I grew up with 'J's parents are here in Hawaii. Somewhere. They are suppose to call me. I havent seen them since I was in 10th grade. Well I better get going. I have to go and order my son 'N' a cake for his birthday and go get him something. He says money or clothes. I just see this being a long day at the mall with pretzels,soda and Starbucks to tempt me. Thou shall not partake. I better go eat breakfast first. Have a great day!!!!

Eating, Kids School Clothes and Old Friends...Nothing makes sense anymore.

I so love to eat. That is the problem. Its not junk food I eat too much of. I hate Mcdonalds and Burger King and stuff like that but I do cook a lot. I love to eat my cooking and when I cook I tend to eat more of it than I should. I made a mean meatloaf last night. I had 3 of those loaf pans. I ate like half of one. Does anyone know how much meatloaf feels like lead in the gut. I am not a chip eater or cookie or cake eater but I gorge myself on what I cook. So then I try to cook things I dont like, like the stuff kids live for like chicken nuggets ..YUCK. But then I find I tend to go out to eat then. I go to the Shack for thier Buffalo Hot Wings and a huge Ceaser salad or to Zippys for their fried chicken plate with the best garlic mash this side of the PEKOS. Okay so now you know how I gained weight. So I have been doing the walks. Pushing myself to actually do them. I got my pedometer so I know how much I am walking. I have been lacking a bit...getting ready for the kids return to school and such. Damn when did kids school supplies and uniforms cost so damn much. I remember when I went to school my MOM took me to Sears and I bouhgt like 7 new outfits and shoes and that was it. I went to my sons school... a catholic all boys prep school and his damn uniforms a lone cost me $250. That is not including his school supplies and shoes I have to take him to buy. I guess its way cheaper than buying regular school clothes. Anyhow I got an email from the 1st boyfriends He is asking me when we can talk again. I am so not responding. This can get way out of hand if I let it. My best friend J was the one this guy tried to play with. Thats how we became best friends. Anyhow I love her like a sister and I would never do anything to hurt her. She never got over him because she really liked him. She told me she emailed him through the site Classmates and he never responded. I told her I talked to him because I thought she should know. Big mistake. She seems upset. She has been married for 25 years to her husband ...why is she getting upset? Oh well I dont have time to figure peoples motives or shit. I have so many things on my own plate. Like I said its really good to talk to old friends from where you grew up but thats it. That is why I moved to Hawaii to get as far away from the bullshit of Orange County as I could. It seems its still pretty thick there.

My life

Have I told you just how crappy my life has been lately? If I did well I am telling you again. Nuff sed!!!

Guiltless

Okay I chucked part of G's stuff. No one called me back today from the military and like my husband W said "They don't give a shit". I agree. I need to make room in my trashcan for the rest. Did I feel bad. Nope I sure didnt. But I have been having some major knots in my trapieze muscles in my shoulder and a major headache these last few days. W massaged them out tonight and it felt wonderful. I now know its a tension headache probably caused my G. So W and I talked last night about all this I was feeling. Guilt because I felt there was something I missed teaching this kid. I have done everything to steer him right. I have done without so he could have. Today I feel no guilt. This grown man has taken away from all the others in time and money and heartache. I have lied to W over the years by giving G money and buying him stuff. Was it worth it?. Nope. I put everything I believed in in jeopardy because of him. I told myself if W treated me like that would I have put up with it. No freekin way. So then why was I putting up with my son's G crap. Why? Guilt? I felt guilty because he was five when his father and I divorced. I felt guilty because he was such a problem child. He was diagnosed with ADD and I felt bad for him. More guilt. When his teachers and pricipals gave up on him and he had to go to a new school for the 9th time. I felt the Guilt. He was never as smart as my daughter ..his sister C. Things academically came easier for her. I felt Guilt. So I hired tutors. We are talking several thousand dollars worth. He got $1200.00 a month when he went to college in California and he still managed not to pay his rent and bills. So I paid them. Why? Guilt. How many prep classes did I pay for for him to get into college? Over the years I have bailed his ass out of fights with other children, parents angry at him for shit he did. It took my daughter and my friend S to remind me how long he has been stealing. At first it was a quarter, then $20, then an PS3. How many times did he come home and tell me " A friend" gave it to him". Now I have to wonder when I missed money from my wallet if it was him. I know the answer. Well today I am guiltless. I have been a great mother. I have been there with no sleep for his baseball,soccer,football games. I have saved his ass by even doing his papers for high school so he would graduate and go to college. I have pleaded and begged football recruiters to look at him and begged his football coaches to give him I dont know how many chances. I have sided with him in arguments with W. Even when I felt W was right. Why? Guilt. Nope I would of loved to have a mother like me and I had a pretty damn great one. I am done. Guiltless and its so freeing to throw his shit away. I love my son but now if its important to him he will have to work very hard to work back into my life. I throw no one away but at this time he is pretty close. Am I an ass. Probably but I dont care because I have moved mountains for him because he was my child and I loved him. I was taught that was mothers do. But I have no more guilt. Its gone. Those knots in my neck are finally going away and so is the pain in my ass. VERY FREEING INDEED!!!

To throw away or not

Today I was in a tizzy. I started to clean up and went to my 6 year old sons room. In his closet was G's military uniforms. My husband has called him several times in the past weeks to come and pick them up. He has decided not to. So the end result was they were going into the trash. I mean these are 3 pairs of fatigues and 1 dress uniform with medels on them and his name. As I was taking this this stuff out ofo the closet I was getting madder and madder at the stuff he has been doing. I called his recruiter and then called the base where he suppose to be stationed at to come and pick them up. No one has called me back. I am angry that I am like giving this kid a chance to pick them up. He has never paid for anything he has done. Then I come to find out he just took my 12 year old sons IPOD that I paid $300 for. G just stole it. No regret or remorse he has. He just took it. My 12 year old doesnt understand how his brother whom he has idolized could do this. I dont know why I am such a sap in just not throwing his shit out. I have everything in trash bags in my 6 year olds room. I know what I need to do. I know I need to erase this grown man from my heart like he has done me and his family. He is all over that MYSPACE so I know he is staying with someone that he will probably use like he does with everyone else . What an ass!!!!

What would you do?

I hate those Tramadol pills I need to take for my knee. They sometimes make me think too much about real life stuff. For several months I have been feeling like I am stuck. I have cried and talked to him but he just sits there. Says he is sorry and that he loves me but it just is not enough for me. I feel not like a wife but a roomate who pays the bills, transports kids to here and there, runs errands. Everything that is expected but nothing else. I can no longer cry I just am angry. So like Dr. Phil says you have to earn your way out of a marriage. You have to do everything you can to say you tried. I have tried and tried and tried. I am calling a marriage therepist in the morning. He has no idea that is what I am doing. Its the last straw for me. If I could just put a finger on it. Is it someone else? Has there been someone else? I cant see where or when he would have the time but maybe.... For the longest time I thought it was me. I know its not. I am pretty great. I am angry all the time now because of this. All the time. He will buy me flowers on birthdays, mothers day and anniversaries. He will tell me he loves me everyday before he goes to work. I no longer believe him. He kisses me when he comes home. You know those peck kind of kisses. He never tells me how great I look or how beautiful of a home I make for him. How well I did something. How can you say you love someone when everyday you resign yourself to a couch in the living room and watch t.v until you fall asleep. I forgot what is like to kiss him. I dont remember the last time ... well you know. He dresses nice to go to work. He is more concerned how he looks than anything else. Sometimes I want to scream but I cant. I cant cry yet I feel like I am crying rivers inside of me. I want to run to a place that is only for me. In my heart I know he is here for the kids but really he is never there for me. Why wont he just tell me the truth if there is something to tell. I will take anything right now. I just want and need an answer. Not another I love you and sorry. Sorry for what? For not being a husband to me or sorry for something else? I need to run. I am afraid I will end up running to someone...anyone.. no one I know now... just someone. I am sooooo tired. Its been months and months of this. Everything takes priority over this in his life which he makes it take over this in mine. The stuff with G. The stuff with his son S. The stuff with his daughter C. The stuff with his mother, sister, work. Anything but dealing with me.

The doldrums of Summer

The ex called and asked if I called him. Nope never did. So anyhow he said G told him he has a job. He told G he better be sure because if he doesnt he will be off the boat. He said anything G uses, he has to replace and any money he borrows from his dad he has to pay back in one way or other. That means work on the boat. I looooove it. I hope he does what I could not do with kid...what the military could not do. I snuck on Myspace to read my sons bull. Yep its there. He went and told everyone he has a boat now. What bull will he think of next. Really what 21 year kid can afford a houseboat? Somethings dont change. Anyhow I feel better that he is out of my hair and not asking me for cash. I am so liking my Anthropology class. So far on all my exams I have been getting A's. A couple of the kids have emailed to ask me for some of my answers. I say kids because yes I am old enough to be their mother. Its kind of nice to know someone thinks you are smart. Sometimes families take you sooo for granted. I have to go and study now because I have a big exam on Friday and yes I plan on getting an A. Swimming lessons this evening for the little ones. It should be interesting. Man is this summer boring or what ? I need to take my ass to the waterpark or take a plane to Disneyland or something.

Home alone

Well my husband has joined a police department basketball leauge. I have no desire to go and watch. He is 42 people not 32. Anyhow he has been walking around here limping for the last two days. Where is he tonight? Yep you guessed it. Its all good to have extracurricular activities but he needs to have some with me. I guess that is why I am such a bitch lately. Well at least he takes the kids. We dont go anywhere or do anything unless its with kids. I guess that is how your life really changes after you get married. Everything is with the kids. I cant ever remember going out alone to a movie or out to dinner by ourselves in years. I really cant wait until the summer is over and I am in school full time. Maybe then I would care less about stuff like this. Oh I got a call today but never answered from my sons friends house and on my cell phone. I figure its the son. If its an emergency or someone is dying then they can leave a message. I dont consider money and no place to live an emergency. He must of managed to get booted out of his dads boat. I was going to call the ex but then I figured I would just set myself up for more crap. I am done. I sooooo need a vacation.

I am so done!!!!

G finally came and got his clothes and then he tried to turn on the pity act. I asked him what the story is with him and his dad. He tells me that his dad told him he has to find a job ( Yeah ... that is exactly what I have been telling him from day one). So then G tells me " I guess I will be applying at Terminex" I tell him what happened at the Pearl Harbor job? He says that they hired someone else. Another lie. HE told me he was hired already. Anyhow I get into the shower because not only did he come over at 10:00 pm at night to pick up his clothes but I was too tired to let his bullshit bring me down. I figured he would be asking me for money anyhow and I just didnt want to be put in that position so I went in the shower. Anyhow he knocks on the door and tells me he is going to leave. "Alright call me later" I say and that was that. No thank you to my husband or me. W said he left like he was irritated. Whatever. The next day I get a call from the ex asking me if I know anything about G having an interview that day because he was suppose to help the ex fixing the boat. The ex tells me that G cant live with him and that he has two big bags there that I have to bring back to my house. I say nope I am not bringing nothing back to my house..they are G's and he can figure out how to deal with his own shit. The ex tried to pressure me into taking G back by saying he can only stay with him a few days. I just told him I have been doing his job for the last 16 years. He needs to do it now. I am done. I have been divorced from this guy that long and he is trying to guilt me into doing crap I am so tired of doing. Yes I feel like shit because I wanted and expected more from my son. But then he should want and expect more from himself and he wouldnt be in this situation if he just did the right things. The right things were like go to class, do well in class, go to football practice and abide by the rules of his scholarship. This would have been his junior year at USC. HE will never grow up if I keep on bailing him out. Now W's daughter is calling and calling him. He thinks she is going to ask him if she can stay here with her kid. Nope I want no one else living with us but the three youngest we have here. Its their turn to have us. The others just want a free ride and I just cant do that anymore. I am done.

What does it all mean?

Have I become hardened? I wonder about that at times. After all the crap my husband and I have been through these past couple of years with young teenagers and adult children I have done a lot of thinking. There are a couple of things I know for sure. I have put my life on hold because of them. I guess thats what a good parent does. Once you have children your needs and pretty much your life come second to theirs. I have been a good parent ..maybe too good. With all that has happened with G these past few weeks or months I have done a lot of soul searching. What could I have done differently? I have come to to the final conclusion that there was nothing I could have done differently ..... absoulutly nothing. You see after I got my degree years ago I had planned on going to medical school. Well right after I graduated my ex husband and I decided we wearn't happy with each other and a divorce was eminate. Medical school was put aside because now I had to support my two children at the time. They were in private school and I wasnt about to upheaveal their lives because mine was. I cracked my butt as a single parent to keep them there. I gave them the best tutors when they needed it. I did without to give them what they needed and maybe over compensated at times because of the guilt of the divorce. My ex husband was a jerk and getting child support from him was a battle. He never gave me a penney more for anything. I pretty much did it all as a single mother. Yes it was hard. But that is what I chose to do for my children and I never regretted it at all. The problem I have had with it all is that I put medical school on the back burner hopeing one day I would be able to go but never really knowing if and when that would happen. I guess what I am trying to say or type is that I am angry because all I wanted to do was say I was pround of one of my kids for their acomplishments. My children and stepchildren are adults and they seem to be in this endless stuff of blame and 'Life is hard bullshit. Yep life is hard and its not fair but you go on everyday and deal with it. They are all into this thing of my husband and I dishing out cash to them to bail them out of whenever they put themselves in the hole with . None of the four oldest can stay at a job for more than a few weeks or months. One is involved with getting high everyday. One has a baby that seems to try to make the baby everyone elses problem. We have had to be tough with all four of the oldest. I have cut off everyone asking me for money. The answer is just "NO". I wont babysit because it turns into being talked about and being used all the time. G is leaving in the morning and moving with his dad. I gave him another day only because I thought this family meant something to him. He was suppose to go to N's (12 year son) basketball game. Instead he went to hang with his friends. It was a championship game and N was excited and disappointed because G didnt come. W's daughter C is playing games with him again involving his son S. S graduated on Saturday and my husband and I didnt go. All S had to do was apoligize for lying to us and using drugs almost making my husband lose his job. Nope nothing from the kid. He is so involved with drugs that we dont even know who he is anymore. All W's family(mother and sister) have become enablers to his son. They try to make W feel bad about not going to the graduation. They even threw the kid a party that we did not attend. How can W when this kid hurts him over and over and over. It cost W transfering to the Big Island. It cost W his reputation. The police department there doesnt want W because they feel he is a liability. My husband will have to stay here on this island for another 11 years until her retires. His son is a liar but I guess what can you expect from a person who chooses drugs over their own father. Not even an apoligy. My daughter the oldest one C is the impounded vehicle queen. She just called me for the 5th time in 1 year that her car got towed and impounded and now its going to cost $900. When did being careless with getting a car towed become my problem? Nope she needs to figure it out. I am 45 years old. I have never had my car towed and only got 1 ticket in my life. I will help people who help themselves but I can no longer take any more from these kids. Its my time to concentrate on the youngest three W, N and A. Its time to study to get into medical school. Am I selfish? I guess I am. I am tired of getting used. They are welcome to visit us for holidays but they need to leave. One thing for sure I want none of them living with us anymore. I just wish one of them would have stayed in college or decided to work hard for something and made us proud. I just want to know that all that W and I sacrificed mattered to them and meant something. Right now it just seems that it only matters to us and I suppose that has to be enough.

Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow is the day that G is suppose to leave. I am tired of the lies. I am tired of the bullshit. I want peace in my home again. I just dont get adult children. I was soooo different. If he doesnt get it ...OH WELL!!!!

I'M MEALTING

Our central air conditioning unit to the whole house went out last week Saturday. We came home to find water in the bedroom closet all caught in the light fixture. We cleaned it up but then the next day the whole thing shorted out. I called the property management team to get someone out here. What is today? Friday you say. Some guy is coming over at 11 to try and fix it. I just have a feeling this a job that is going to take a couple of days. So it turned out to be like 84 degrees yesterday which made my home feel like a 120 degree inside. We are all miserable. Nothing like heat to flare shit up in the house that is already flared. Stay tuned.

Spitting Nails!!!!!

Yes you are right Jaye I need a backbone and have found it today. My husband gave G until next week Wednesday.. 1 week to get out. Today the kid told me he had a job interview at Guess jeans store. Well your guess is good as mine why he probably never went. He got in a car with his loser friends and headed out on the road all in basketball clothes. HE claims they are taking him to the mall for the interview. Yeah right in basketball clothes. Then he had the nerve to ask me for money before he left. 21 fucken years old!!! I now realize he has got to go. He probably is laughing in that car behind my back. Its going to be a LLLLLOOOOOONNNNGGGGGG fucken week. I have myself to thank for that.

I just cried my eyes out

I am a wimp. I cant do it. I have tried and tried. I am ususally a tuff girl and very proud of it. I have taken on people that are twice my size. I have chased down cars that have cut in front of me and the occupants have flipped me off. I have fought off cancer and won. I just cant for the life of me kick this kid out. He is working today. Finally...thats what I wanted him to do. I dont mind helping family , friends, adult children as long as they are helping themselves. Not sitting around playing with the Playstation or playing basketball. He is suppose to be packing and going somewhere today. Anywhere but here. Well I called him and asked what the plan was? He has none.. he thought he would sleep in his car. My ex husband cant move him with him because he has a new girlfriend and I guess in that mans book sex comes before kids and responsibilty. My husband W is just cut and dry about the whole thing. When we were in this situation with his daughter she had several places to turn to ..her mother, her grandmother, her aunt, her boyfriend. She chose this guy over us and at times even herself. Not my G...he has me and thats it. No family here in Hawaii. I dont wish what I am feeling today on anyone. I have a paper due tonight and I just better get my butt on top of that. I feel stomach sick, my head hurts and my eyes are swollen. I tried to put makeup on but now it looks like swollen bee stung eyelids with make up on. Not very pretty. I just want him to get his act together. Basically he is a good kid. No drugs. No drinking. Just when its coming down to taking care of himself and responsibilty of money and a job ..he fails miserabley. If I could run today I would. I can forgive many things in my life but laziness is not one of them.

This weekend I went to the 50th state fair, did my paper for school (which I got my first A on..thank you very much..),went to play glow in the dark miniture golf and then finally the big moment...I got into it with the son. After all weekend of doing crap he decides now he wants to talk to my husband. Not me mind you...my husband. I ask him what he wants to talk to him about. He says "About being able to get on my feet and stay here this summer". I lit into him. I told him are you kidding me? You went through $5000 in a matter of a week. You go and play basketball every night ..like you are Kobe or something. You don't work or if you do its usually a shit job that you only manage to stay no more than 2 days at. I told him your father is waiting for you to call him. He has work for him on his boat. He will pay him minimum wage for now but when you are not working ...that is something. He tells me he got a job yesterday at a Guess store. Its a little too late. And I told him don't even hold that bullshit of going to Iraq over my head. You never got orders yet and the best thing I can do for him is pray for him and hope the Army trained him well enough. I told he has until tomorrow to get out. I dont know where he is going. I dont want to know where he is going. The one thing I do know this kid is killing me slowly every day. I told him I have no money for him anymore, I dont want to do his laundry or pick up after him. He has to go. He started crying. I started crying. Then I left the room. Why cant he get a job. If he tried then I would have no problem helping him. He graduated in 2003 and still thinks he is on summer vacation or something. He doesnt want to work. I starting feeling bad this morning when I woke up. Where will he go? Where will he sleep? I called my husband and he said "Dont even feel bad about anything. He had time and opprotunities and he pisses them all away. He could of been playing football his junior year at USC. Nope he managed to piss away that scholarship. No at 21 I dont expect him to know everything or conquer the world. I do expect him to work. Not to help us in any way. Just to pay for his car expenses and have money in his pocket. To start saving. Nope not him. He would rather blow it on his friends. Lord just get me through tomorrow. Just get me through it in one piece.

Everthing Happens for a reason

Okay I have been stressing about the son. Watching that new show Bhagdad E.R doesnt help either but then he is not there yet. I went and talked to his recruiter and the asshole is just that an asshole. He was suppose to call the son and counsel him but nothing ....nada. Anyhow so I let things go for a while. He has been staying out with his friends which is a good thing right now. Anyhow so on Friday I was standing in line at Starbucks waiting for my dailey dose of liquid crack. Yes I am addicted. Anyhow who should be standing in line behind by my ex husband. The father of this son. I havent seen the guy in years. He was going to his newest girlfriends house in the area and decided to stop in for some java. Well we talked about the kid. There is a resolution hopefully. We just have to wait and see.

Is it the water???

I just dont know shit anymore. I have a test to take online by Friday and I just cracked the book today for Anthropology. If I typed all the shit that happened this weekend with the son you just wouldn't believe it. He is still here but soon wont be. I am sticking to my guns. Why do I feel like shit then???